Episode 109

The “Murder of Emily Horehound, by Agatha Christie” Expertease

Published on: 13th April, 2024

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Transcript
Speaker:

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Clare: Offices of expertise.

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This is Clare.

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Danno: Oh, Clare, it's your

podcast partner, Danno, calling

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for our weekly business call.

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You sound so chipper considering your

atrophied muscles must still be present.

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I judge by the presence of

your hydraulic phone lift.

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Clare: Oh, yes.

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Well, the hydraulic phone lift is

doing exactly what it's supposed to.

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I mean, sometimes

muscles need rest, Danno.

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I just needed to, to rest my muscles

and let them fulfill their atrophy and

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then start them up again from scratch.

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Danno: Having gone back to zero, are

you feeling slightly stronger now?

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Clare: Yeah.

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Well, I'm, I'm probably at one,

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Danno: What can you lift?

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Clare: Um, I can, I can, I don't know

that I could say I could lift, but I can

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push the button that activates the phone

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Danno: That's so great, Clare.

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That means we can take off

the mental transceiver.

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Yeah.

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Cause that was actually, my brain

is starting to atrophy a little bit.

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So that's a lot of exertion.

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Um, Clare, there is some concern around

the office about your brain atrophying.

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Um, you know that we had a very, very few

requirements for the job when you came in.

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Clare: Mm hmm.

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let me guess who put in that complaint

or observation, Emily Horhound.

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I,

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Danno: voice, that tone and voice.

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You take that tone and voice

right out of here, young lady.

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Clare: I will double down

on that tone of voice.

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Was it, was it Emily Horhound

who brought into question

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Danno: Do you, do you think Emily

Horehound is gunning for your job?

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you

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Clare: she's got a six

pack guns on her belt.

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Danno: mean a six gun?

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you think she has a six gun?

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Clare: Yeah, I know she does.

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Danno: to come gunning for you at your

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Clare: Yeah.

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She's literally threatened

my life on three occasions.

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What?

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Danno: When someone nice like

Emily threatens your life,

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that's a figure of speech.

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your life is so minimal right now,

Clare, with your vinegar sodden muscles.

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You know, you're like an egg that's

been soaking in vinegar for a month.

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You're just rubbery now.

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Why would you want your job of flopping?

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around the office, answering the phone

with a mentally triggered button.

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That's all you can do anymore.

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Clare: First of all, I don't flop.

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I roll.

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I roll with

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Danno: That's admirable.

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That's actually a step

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forward.

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And I mean, step as a figure of

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speech.

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Clare: Well, you know,

here's the thing, Danno.

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I bring more to this podcast than Emily

Whorehound brings to the coffee clutch.

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I mean, that's her job.

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That is

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literally her job.

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Danno: she is fine in the

clutch, if you know what I'm

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saying.

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Clare: Oh my gosh.

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See, this is it.

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You're blinded.

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I mean, she puts the whore in whorehound

and I am not afraid to say it.

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I mean, I wouldn't say it in front

of her with her six pack of guns.

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Danno: Why does she care, Clare?

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What does she have to gain by harming you?

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Clare: Danno, I do not know the

answer to that at this moment,

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but I'll tell you, I am on it.

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I'm using my brain tree receiver

to get onto the internets and the

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worldwide webs, and I am going

to find something out on that

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Danno: Clare, you did just get a raise.

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Remember, we fired Chris Naughty

Pine, and we decided we would divide

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his salary between the two of us, since

we were now producing in his stead.

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I wonder if she's trying to increase

her own income by eliminating you

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the way we eliminated Naughty.

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Clare: Well, I'll tell you why I don't

think that Miss HH is on my side either.

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I've been trying to get more spinach in

my diet because we know that's the best

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Danno: Sure.

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Yeah.

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Good

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for the

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muscles.

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Good for the brains.

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Clare: And, she brings me

tofu burgers and slaps shods.

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It's

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Danno: I don't know where

she's getting her slapshods.

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Clare: And I don't trust it.

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I, I, I am sorry to coming, to

coming across with negatives, at

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this time, but, uh, there's just

so much going on right now, Danno,

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that I don't feel I have a, handle

on, of course, in my weakened state.

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Danno: in your weekend state,

your only responsibility has

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been answering the phones.

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Emily has still been running

the hat check out in the lobby.

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she's doing intake with the guests.

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Clare: And Danno, we've had some

complaints that she hasn't done outtake.

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Danno: I know.

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Good God.

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Our waiting room is just full of

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Clare: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I think she's forgetting

that part of the gig.

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Danno: Okay.

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Do you mind talking to her about that?

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Clare: Well, I'm afraid of her.

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Danno: I feel like this is the

way to overcome that, is to have

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something concrete to go in with.

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this is a definite thing that you want

to solve, that you want to talk about,

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that you want to accomplish with Emily.

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You know, you ladies, you've

got to get on together.

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Clare: You're right, Danno.

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You know what?

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I'm going to work on that.

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I'm going to work on my

relationship with Emily Horehound.

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I'm going to come at her womano a womano

and see if we can't get on the same page.

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Danno: that's great.

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do wear a little protection.

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Clare: Uh, I have a hydraulic, vest.

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Danno: Clare, could I ask you

about an expense I'm considering?

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Clare: Oh, sure.

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Danno: you know, The ratings for

the podcast have been plummeting.

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Clare: Yeah.

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Danno: The, yeah, they have, the

ratings for the podcast have been

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Clare: Oh, gosh, we got to do something

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Danno: Yeah.

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You know, it's only this week

that your jaw muscle has allowed

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you to be speaking again.

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Clare: Well, that's, that's probably

affected some of the ratings, not

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having an actual podcast taped.

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Danno: I'm looking here in the back of

Mechanics Illustrated Magazine, and there

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is a series of classified advertisements,

um, This one says, become a podcaster.

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New York City podcasting school

creates professional podcasters.

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I sent a self addressed stamped envelope.

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I had to rummage through your desk.

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I hope you don't mind.

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Clare: don't mind a rummage now and then.

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Danno: Good.

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Good.

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apparently based on the,

uh, Envelope they sent back.

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I have been accepted.

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I have

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been approved for podcasting school.

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Clare: this is great news.

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This is really going to

take us to the next level.

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Danno: think so now it's mail order

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I mean, it's a correspondence course.

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Clare: Oh, correspondence

podcasting course.

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Danno: Yeah.

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So what do you think?

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Should I

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go for it?

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Clare: well, I mean, you've

already been accepted.

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Danno: So you start off with a

vocal training through the mail.

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And I guess I'm guessing what

we're going for is that, you know,

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kind of that rich, resonant, uh,

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Clare: Right.

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Opening up places in your skull

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Danno: Oh, Clare.

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Oh, Clare, be careful when you do that.

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Some of your skull places

are actually opening up.

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Clare: oh, sorry about that.

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Yeah.

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My plates have not yet welded again.

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Danno: yeah, I got to

get that spinach going.

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Clare: Thank you.

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Danno: And we'll get you some slapshots.

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Clare: No, I don't need

any more slapshods.

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I mean,

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Danno: then, uh, the next

step is, choosing a co host.

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Clare: Okay.

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Danno: you know, I'm really

looking forward to that chapter.

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I think there's going to be some

really interesting information.

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Cause I guess the idea is that

if you're going to do a podcast,

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it's best to do it with somebody,

who's clever, quick on the up.

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take, has a great speaking voice, uh,

well connected with lots of guests,

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muscles and bones that actually

allow that person to stand up,

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uh, vertically.

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you know, who would be great for this?

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Clare: Oh my gosh.

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Okay, Danno, you know what?

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I want you to, um, look into the address

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of this podcasting school.

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Danno: Uh, sure.

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I've got it right here.

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Clare: Yeah.

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And then I want you to also call up

Emily Horhoun's New York address.

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Danno: it's one, two,

three, New York Avenue, box.

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H, H,

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Clare: Yeah.

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All right.

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This, you see, I was even starting to

think as you were talking there, it's

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like you, you already run a podcast

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it.

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And you have a partner.

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You have a podcast partner.

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Hello.

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Hold on.

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If you can't see me.

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Danno: Oh, uh, oh, oh, there, right

into the, there, into the camera frame.

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Perfect.

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Clare: Danno,

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Danno: Huh?

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what?

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Is that a verb?

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Clare: She's having you

apply to the school.

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She's going to get inside your mind.

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She's going to convince you that

you need a different partner.

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And guess who is not going

to be around anymore?

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Danno: I was a little

suspicious that it was 4.

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99 for the entire course.

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Alright Clare, you've convinced me.

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Emily Horehound is out to get you,

and we've got to get out to get her.

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Clare: But Danno, she's

got an ironclad contract.

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And I know cause she took it from

pieces of my hydraulic situation.

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Danno: Oh, your iron hydraulic

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lift?

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Clare: How are we going to get rid of her?

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Danno: We got Chris Naughty

Pine out of his contract.

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Clare: Yeah, Danno, we're gonna

need to figure out, How do you

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solve a problem like a whorehound?

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Danno: You know how Emily

Horehound got her name?

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That's not a real name.

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That is her.

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Yeah, that's her office name.

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You know how people have

stage names and nom de plumes?

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That's her office name because

of the Horehound lozenges.

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She prefers the name.

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to suck.

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Clare: You need to

sleuth out her last name,

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Danno: I'm going to

sleuth out her real name.

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You sleuth out where she buys her lozenges

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Clare: Right.

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Danno: and somehow we can combine this

information into a devilish scheme that

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no one will ever be able to trace to us

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Clare: you know what else?

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Uh, it, it just as a backup,

I'm going to line the hats

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Danno: Oh, the hats at the hat check.

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Clare: Yeah.

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With that, that, what is that poison?

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If you touch it.

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Danno: Lead?

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Clare: yeah, I'm going

to do some lead lining.

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Danno: No one will notice lead

lining in their hats, Clare.

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That's good thinking.

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Clare: Yeah.

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So we can come at her

from the outside and the

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Danno: wait, wait, wait.

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wait.

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Those hats belong to our guests

that come into the offices.

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All Emily does is put them on a shelf,

so you will actually be brow poisoning.

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Our guests, with their

lead lined hat, Clare.

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I

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Clare: Danny, you got to crack a

few eggs to make a death omelet.

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Danno: Alright, I'm in!

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You know, it's not the murder

scheme I would have thought of, but

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Clare: What you're saying that lining

the hats of visiting guests with lead

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poisoning so our hat check girl might get

some on her fingers while we are injecting

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say, what's that almond poisoning?

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Danno: Almond poison.

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Clare: Hmm.

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Danno: You know, let's,

we are, we're going to

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replace her lozenges with almonds.

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Clare: up

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almonds.

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Yes.

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Danno: whole strip.

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Clare: With lead fingers.

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Yep.

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Danno: Clare, Your body may

be atrophied and barely able

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to lift itself off the puddle.

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on the ground that it is, but your

brain is operating like a mad genius.

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Clare: Thank you, Danno.

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All right.

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Let's get on this plan

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Danno: how do we keep this call

out of the hands of the coppers?

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Clare: oh, that's a, that's a good idea.

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Maybe we need to just take a little

extra poisoning to the police station.

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Danno: that's going to

start to look suspicious

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when you wheel down to the police

station, smelling of almonds.

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Clare: Right.

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Almonds and lead.

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I'll just say it's Christmas.

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Danno: It's a traditional

expertise Christmas.

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Almonds and lead for everyone.

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God bless us all.

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Fortunately, we live in a small village

where that sort of eccentric behavior is

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Clare: Right.

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And you know, I can blame so many things

on the smell of my hydraulic lift oil.

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Danno: Perfect.

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Now, I'm thinking we need to poison

police department before we poison Emily

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so that we can pin the whole thing on

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Little

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Clare: the police.

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Danno: no, no, Emily.

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Clare: on Emily, on Emily.

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Right, right.

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I lost the

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Danno: Emily Hole Almond,

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Clare: Emily Hohlamann.

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Danno: okay,

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Clare: going down.

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Danno: and that's the way

we're going to frame her up.

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So, I'm going to go off to, uh, I'm

going to go to podcasting school.

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Your job, meanwhile,

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Clare: Yeah.

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Danno: is to infiltrate

yourself into Emily's head.

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Every moment of life, you've got

to change all the monograms on all

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our handkerchiefs from H H to W A.

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Clare: Hmm.

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Danno: to Whole Almond.

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Clare: But wait, won't, won't

that give away that we are

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behind the almond poisoning?

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Danno: Well, you have to

do it surreptitiously.

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Clare: but why are we going to call her

almond and then poison her with almonds?

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It feels like we shouldn't mention almonds

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Danno: We're not.

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We are going to imply that Emily herself

has taken on this new persona in the

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same way that she adopted Whorehound

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as her name to office.

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Now she's taking on this

murderous name of Whole Almond.

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And to carry on that charade, she's

changing the monogram on her handkerchiefs

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and other places where her name shows up.

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Clare: So she's going to declare

herself Emily Hole Almond and then

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poison the police station with almonds.

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Danno: Exactly.

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Clare: almonds.

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What is the poison that

is made from almonds?

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Danno: Whole almonds are more poisonous

than any poison made from almonds.

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Why not just go with the

whole almond is my point.

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That's why she's Emily Whole Almond.

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Clare: Okay.

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Very good.

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Very good.

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Danno: All right.

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Clare: No one will be

able to trace this to us.

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Danno: I love that we've become

a crime enterprise, Clare.

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No one would suspect a comedy podcast to

resort to this sort of nefarious activity.

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Clare: I, you know, I just, I

feel like we're actually just

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rising to meet the occasion,

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Danno: Yeah, you're right.

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If we think of it as

crime, then it is crime.

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If we think of it as, um, solving

a problem that needs to be solved,

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Clare: that's right.

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Let's just, let's just do it.

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Let's not give it any second thought.

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but I'll tell you what, I,

uh, I need to take a break.

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Danno: Oh, from the podcast?

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Clare: I mean, right now I need to nap

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Danno: okay.

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Yeah.

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Alright Clare, did you ever

see Strangers on a Train?

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Clare: yes,

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this one time, the one guy,

I mean, he was abs, I mean,

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Danno: Oh no no, I don't, no,

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Clare: What?

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Danno: Not strangers that you

personally saw on a train.

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Clare: Okay.

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Danno: I mean, there was a movie

called Strangers on a Train?

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Clare: Not familiar.

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Danno: Ah, well let me,

uh, let me clue you in.

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The whole premise is that because the

two strangers just randomly happen

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to meet on a train, no one can ever

connect them together when they agree to

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commit murders on each other's behalf.

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So from this point on,

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Clare: we take the train to work.

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Danno: yep, that's that's

gonna be the thing.

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Clare: Okay.

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And then that's where we plan it,

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Danno: No, it's already planned,

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Clare: but

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Danno: but by taking the train, no

one will ever be able to suspect us.

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Clare: We'll claim that we came up

with it on the train and then that

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clears you of any kind of indictment.

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Danno: now I live upstairs from the

offices, so it may be a little suspicious

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if I'm suddenly taking the train to

work every day, but you know what?

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We'll cross that trestle

when we come to it.

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Clare: Yeah, absolutely.

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I mean, you're pro transit.

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I'll start putting out

pro transit pamphlets.

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to say that expertise is supporting

the growth of our fair city.

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This makes so much sense.

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I'm feeling really good about it.

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Danno: they say there's no such

thing as the perfect crime.

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this is not a crime,

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Clare: No, no, no.

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This is a rising to occasion.

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Danno: It is perfect.

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Okay.

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Clare.

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We've got our assignments.

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See you next week.

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Clare: All right.

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Danno: Thanks for the call.

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About the Podcast

Expertease - Knowledge, Not Comedy
The World's Most Expert Experts
Probing the depth and dumbth of topics so un-interesting, we can only change the subject almost immediately. Expert comedy writer, Clare Sera, and expert comedy writer, Danno Sullivan, bring their expertise to other, unrelated expertises.

About your hosts

Danno Sullivan

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Clare Sera

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