Episode 95
The “DEARLY DEPARTED” Expertease
We're putting the FUN in funeral!
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Transcript
Dearly beloveds, we have a rather somber episode for you today with our special guest, Dan O'Sullivan.
Claire:Dano, since you are an expert in modern funerial services, I wondered if we could probe your area.
Claire:What of expertise?
Dan O'Sullivan:This is not a time for jokes.
Claire:Claire, or a place.
Claire:I mean, you could really get in trouble if you were probing your funeral.
Host:You're listening to expertise spelled wrong, the podcast where the world's most expert experts discuss their areas of expertise expertly.
Claire:Ladies and gentlemen, look, this is a topic that a lot of people have written in and asked about.
Claire:I mean, we were all faced at certain times in our lives with considering, am I prepared for what comes at the end of times?
Claire:And today we've brought someone on who can answer a few of those sort of delicate and, you know, somber questions.
Claire:Dan O'Sullivan, you are really a pioneer in the updated ways.
Dan O'Sullivan:Clara, could I just interject and say that usually after this long a speech, we usually say amen, and everybody goes to Denny's.
Claire:Oh, my gosh.
Claire:That's quite lighthearted.
Claire:I like it.
Dan O'Sullivan:Well, you would think it was lighthearted, but I don't know if you've had the moons over Miami recently.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's actually the next most depressing thing after the funeral service.
Claire:Dano, you got into this business funerial.
Dan O'Sullivan:It was a family connection.
Dan O'Sullivan:My father died, and there was no one there to manage the event, so it was just me and old shupp.
Claire:I'm laughing.
Claire:I'm sure you must come across that a lot.
Dan O'Sullivan:People don't know how to handle the emotions that come up in these most difficult of times.
Dan O'Sullivan:Usually people do handle it a little better than this, Claire.
Claire:I'm sorry.
Dan O'Sullivan:This is just disrespectful.
Claire:Right.
Claire:I'm so sorry.
Claire:Have you ever had trouble being serious.
Dan O'Sullivan:With the family folks listening at home?
Dan O'Sullivan:I am not a doctor.
Claire:I'm a.
Claire:I'm so sorry.
Claire:It's just when you said your father died, I mean, I knew you were a funereal.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's funereal, Claire, you're mispronouncing it.
Dan O'Sullivan:We like to put the fun in funeral.
Dan O'Sullivan:There is a lot of laughter at these ceremonies.
Claire:That is beautiful.
Dan O'Sullivan:I have to talk about it in, you know, kind of a serious, significant tone of voice.
Claire:Right.
Dan O'Sullivan:But those events themselves, Claire, just the bouncy castle alone add so much fun to the funeral.
Claire:Oh, isn't that great?
Claire:So when families come to.
Claire:What's the name of the funeral home that you are?
Claire:A fun neural home that you are currently overseeing.
Dan O'Sullivan:Yeah, it's called big shoes and red hair.
Dan O'Sullivan:And, son, it must have been just.
Claire:So hard on your family wearing big shoes and red hair ties.
Dan O'Sullivan:The fact that we were able to name our funeral home after the two people who died.
Claire:Both your parents?
Dan O'Sullivan:Yes.
Dan O'Sullivan:Big hair was my father.
Claire:Right.
Dan O'Sullivan:Red shoes was my mother.
Dan O'Sullivan:That was what drew them together.
Dan O'Sullivan:They were a storybook romance.
Claire:Oh, my gosh.
Dan O'Sullivan:And that just made the rather shocking demise in a tiny little car just all the more heartbreaking for the family.
Claire:There's no seatbelts in a clown car, as they say.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's not a saying, Claire.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's a fact.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's a fact.
Claire:Oh, I always.
Claire:Gosh, I gotta get that off my cushion.
Claire:So I really admire that you're bringing a lighthearted approach to something that we have, just, for no reason, really attached.
Claire:A lot of grief and sadness.
Dan O'Sullivan:There is a reason most people love the people in their families who die.
Claire:Oh.
Dan O'Sullivan:And that's where the grief comes from, Claire.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's a sorrow that that person has died.
Claire:Oh, gosh.
Claire:You've really studied your grief therapy.
Dan O'Sullivan:Think of any close person in your family and that person dies.
Dan O'Sullivan:You're gonna feel sad.
Dan O'Sullivan:But that's when you bring in the fun specialists.
Dan O'Sullivan:Why spend all that time grieving, moping, dressing in black?
Claire:Is that what it means on your pamphlet when you say, no moping?
Dan O'Sullivan:All mopeds, Claire, until you've seen a hearse on two small wheels being pedaled.
Claire:Oh, my gosh.
Dan O'Sullivan:You know, that's the fun.
Dan O'Sullivan:And funeral.
Claire:That is fun, though.
Claire:That is fun.
Dan O'Sullivan:No moping.
Dan O'Sullivan:All mopeds.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan O'Sullivan:I can see the smile on your face right now.
Dan O'Sullivan:Have you had someone die recently?
Claire:Yeah, I had a very close aunt.
Claire:She was really special.
Claire:She was 95 and lived a really great life and very close.
Claire:I was very close with her.
Claire:She really was a huge influence in my decisions.
Dan O'Sullivan:Claire, if you just open up that package I sent over before the podcast.
Claire:Oh, yeah.
Dan O'Sullivan:I think you'll find.
Dan O'Sullivan:Yeah, there it is.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's a wheelo, one of those wire things where the little wheel goes back and forth, and then there's some sparklers.
Dan O'Sullivan:Go ahead and light up two of those.
Dan O'Sullivan:They're probably illegal where you are, which makes it even more fun.
Claire:Everything's illegal where I am, Danny.
Dan O'Sullivan:And then push that button.
Dan O'Sullivan:Wasn't for the sound.
Claire:Oh, my gosh.
Dan O'Sullivan:Now every time you start to feel sad about your wonderful, wonderful aunt who just tragically died.
Claire:Yes.
Dan O'Sullivan:I just want you to push one of those buttons, light up a sparkler, you know, don't let that grief wash over you and bog you down.
Claire:So you do you provide the eulogies?
Claire:Because quite often I found they can be quite morose and morbid.
Dan O'Sullivan:Are you a fan of Gilbert Sullivan at all?
Claire:Oh, so much the rhyming.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's the key, Claire, if you put some of those eulogies into rhyming couplets.
Claire:Oh.
Claire:Like, if I was to eulogize my Aunt Janny.
Claire:Janny, who I adored, she liked to crochet.
Dan O'Sullivan:Right, right.
Claire:She was very involved with the local soup kitchen.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh, I see, I see.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan O'Sullivan:So we would put our team of poets on this, right?
Dan O'Sullivan:And these are not greeting card poets, Claire.
Dan O'Sullivan:I mean, what is more despondent making than getting a card of condolence?
Dan O'Sullivan:Saying something like, oh, you have my condolences on the loss right there.
Dan O'Sullivan:The loss of Aunt Janny.
Claire:Oh, she's gone.
Dan O'Sullivan:So think of something like, dearly beloved fans of Aunt Janny.
Dan O'Sullivan:Yes, she crocheted a lot.
Dan O'Sullivan:Boy, was she handy.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh, so there's a little compliment, right?
Dan O'Sullivan:It's giving you a little chuckle.
Dan O'Sullivan:We lost our dear aunt.
Dan O'Sullivan:Who did she work with?
Claire:The soup kitchen.
Dan O'Sullivan:We lost our dear aunt, whose good deeds for the kitchen made everyone love her.
Dan O'Sullivan:Goddamn.
Dan O'Sullivan:She was bitching.
Dan O'Sullivan:And, you know.
Claire:Oh, my gosh.
Claire:That's directly from a Gilbert and Sullivan play.
Dan O'Sullivan:A lot of the cursing in Gilbert and Sullivan was expurgated, but, you know, you can reuse those.
Dan O'Sullivan:Anything that rhymes with bitch, and we just apply it to whoever has died.
Dan O'Sullivan:I mean, we're all about, let's cut corners in whatever way possible while still giving the funnest experience.
Dan O'Sullivan:A lot of this comes from the circus, Claire, and, you know, they are known for cutting corners.
Dan O'Sullivan:You've got falling tents, burning canvas.
Dan O'Sullivan:You've got.
Claire:Yeah, you're never out of business as a funeral director if you're working with a circus that's on one of my cushions back here.
Claire:Well, now, that's interesting that you bring that up, because I had heard that you are expanding your services to animal funerals.
Dan O'Sullivan:You know, Claire, if you want to have fun at a funeral, let's get the animals involved.
Dan O'Sullivan:They're easy to train.
Dan O'Sullivan:Animals like dogs.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan O'Sullivan:Very cool dolphins.
Claire:Oh.
Dan O'Sullivan:So we're doing a lot of our funerals at sea now, burials at sea.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's called.
Claire:Oh, burials at sea.
Dan O'Sullivan:And that's kind of traditional for sailors.
Dan O'Sullivan:But a lot of people that are not connected with the sea in life do connect with the sea and death.
Dan O'Sullivan:I hold my hand up, got a little shrimp up there, and I call out, wee wee.
Claire:Wee.
Claire:Hold on.
Claire:I'm just so.
Claire:I'm just trying to get my head around this.
Claire:If I had engaged your services for someone, say, my Aunt Jani and.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan O'Sullivan:For a funeral at sea.
Claire:For a funeral at sea.
Claire:And then you have a performing shrimp.
Dan O'Sullivan:On a boat that you've misunderstood.
Dan O'Sullivan:There's not a performing shrimp in this case.
Dan O'Sullivan:We have trained dolphins.
Claire:Seems disrespectful.
Claire:I mean, I don't mean to question what other people like to engage in while they're grieving, but for me, a performing shrimp.
Claire:That's a line.
Dan O'Sullivan:You are injecting a performing shrimp where there is no performing shrimp.
Dan O'Sullivan:The shrimp is used as a treat.
Claire:I mean, I'm just.
Claire:How would it perform?
Claire:Does it, like, can it move on its tail?
Claire:Does it have any dexterity?
Claire:Can it.
Claire:The dolphin, the shrimp.
Dan O'Sullivan:The shrimp.
Dan O'Sullivan:We don't currently offer a performing shrimp.
Dan O'Sullivan:We do offer barbecued shrimp after the service.
Claire:They don't even make any kind of noises that you.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh, they do when you barbecue them.
Claire:Ah.
Claire:Okay.
Dan O'Sullivan:So usually what happens with the dolphins, Claire, is you enshroud the body.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's called.
Claire:Oh, okay.
Claire:That sounds very respectful.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's very respectful.
Dan O'Sullivan:A lot of times we'll use, like, a very high quality craft paper.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's that brown paper that grocery sacks are made from, but we call it craft paper.
Dan O'Sullivan:And for the budget minded, we just use actual grocery store bags.
Dan O'Sullivan:You know, just one on top, one on bottom, and throw her in.
Claire:Well, Trader Joe's really encourages recycling of.
Dan O'Sullivan:Their bags, and their bags have the handles on it, which makes the whole thing convenient for everybody.
Claire:Right?
Claire:Interesting.
Claire:Yeah.
Dan O'Sullivan:But once they plunge into the great green briny.
Claire:Okay, wait, I thought they were in the ocean.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's poetic talk.
Claire:Oh, I see.
Claire:Okay.
Claire:I thought maybe it was a special pool that you had created.
Dan O'Sullivan:We do have a special pool.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's called the lava pit.
Dan O'Sullivan:But we'll talk about that later, okay?
Claire:Okay.
Claire:Boy, there's so many options.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh, gosh, Claire, it's just unlimited.
Dan O'Sullivan:You know, when you're dealing with dead people, there are just no rules, no laws.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's every man for himself.
Claire:Can't you.
Claire:Are you sure there are no laws?
Dan O'Sullivan:Apart from the recycling, you know, for the paper bags.
Claire:Okay.
Claire:Big hair and red shoes and son.
Claire:And son.
Claire:Okay, so into the big green briny.
Dan O'Sullivan:Then there's a dramatic pause, you know, you think, oh, well, we're saying goodbye to Aunt Janney now.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's when I take off.
Dan O'Sullivan:My captain hold up the shrimp.
Dan O'Sullivan:And that's the signal.
Dan O'Sullivan:Okay, that these pair of trained dolphins leap up together, those majestic, majestic mammals of the sea.
Dan O'Sullivan:And between their two snouts, there is the exposed body of your deceased loved one spinning between the two dolphins.
Dan O'Sullivan:And they dance on their tails, and they bat the body back and forth like a wounded orca.
Dan O'Sullivan:And Claire.
Claire:Wow.
Dan O'Sullivan:It's not beautiful, but we're not there for beauty.
Dan O'Sullivan:We are there for entertainment, and this is entertainment.
Dan O'Sullivan:And laughs Galore.
Claire:Oh, my gosh.
Dan O'Sullivan:You know, I see people weeping.
Dan O'Sullivan:They're laughing so hard at these things, just tears gushing down their faces.
Claire:I'm sure you do.
Claire:Wow, that's a lot of visuals.
Claire:I'm still having trouble with the dancing shrimp, but I would have a question.
Claire:It's a bit delicate.
Claire:If I was to be engaging these services.
Claire:Dolphins have been known to get a little frisky with humans.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh, you mean that way?
Claire:I would just fear that Aunt Janney, at this point, would have nothing to do.
Claire:Defend herself with Claire, I think you're.
Dan O'Sullivan:Ascribing human emotions to the dolphins.
Claire:Okay.
Dan O'Sullivan:They are mammals like humans, but they, you know, they're much more interested in the shrimp that I have to offer than the.
Claire:Okay, great.
Claire:That's great.
Claire:So they're.
Claire:They're respectful of the.
Claire:Of the dead body, then?
Dan O'Sullivan:They're not respectful.
Dan O'Sullivan:They.
Dan O'Sullivan:To them, it means nothing.
Dan O'Sullivan:And, you know, I think that's the lesson that white hair and big shoes and sons are trying to get across.
Dan O'Sullivan:You know, nothing matters.
Dan O'Sullivan:We are but dust in the water.
Dan O'Sullivan:You know, that's mud.
Claire:Wow.
Claire:Wow, Daniel, that just really took a profound turn.
Claire:I mean, because you are removing all of the projections that we bring to dying and moving on into the next realm, and it's like, you know what?
Claire:It's just a lifeless body out there being tossed about by two dolphins.
Claire:It's gonna sink down and decompose.
Claire:Let's get on with our day.
Claire:There's shrimp on the barbie.
Claire:Is that right?
Dan O'Sullivan:That's right.
Dan O'Sullivan:Now, your listeners might be interested in our post death submarine cruise.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh, it's a little extra, I have to admit, but, boy, does the fun continue.
Dan O'Sullivan:20,000 funs under the sea.
Claire:So they would be seeing their loved one.
Dan O'Sullivan:Yes.
Claire:Who has settled to the ocean floor, hopefully, yes.
Dan O'Sullivan:Sometimes there's some waiting that needs to happen.
Claire:Well, Aunt Janney did have a heft of weight to her.
Dan O'Sullivan:Perfect.
Claire:Perfect.
Dan O'Sullivan:Yeah.
Dan O'Sullivan:And, you know, the great thing about a rotund woman is that you can just picture the giant squid feasting on the flesh, the suckers attaching and going into one of those multiple beaks that they have.
Dan O'Sullivan:Yeah, it doesn't sound fun, but because you're watching it through a plexiglass window from the safety of a submarine, now that really just feels.
Dan O'Sullivan:It feels like you're watching a movie or something, you know?
Claire:Well, you know, to each their own.
Claire:And they do say that grieving is a very personal journey.
Claire:So I'm sure that some people might be interested in watching the second part of their loved ones bodily use on this planet.
Dan O'Sullivan:Yeah, you're making it very deep.
Dan O'Sullivan:And we're just trying to say, you know, get one of those new year's blowing whistles, jump in the submarine, and let's go down and watch a loved one get consumed.
Claire:Dano, I have to say, this has been really eye opening.
Claire:I think we have been taking death a little too seriously in our culture, and I want to thank you.
Claire:I want to thank your mom and dad.
Claire:White hair and red shoes.
Dan O'Sullivan:Boy, oh, boy.
Dan O'Sullivan:I think about those guys every day, and I think about them with love in my heart and a whoopee in my cushion.
Claire:Well, if this sounds interesting to you, we will.
Dan O'Sullivan:Oh, it does.
Dan O'Sullivan:That's why I'm here.
Claire:No, I'm sorry.
Claire:I'm talking to our podcast listeners.
Dan O'Sullivan:Sorry.
Claire:And I just want to let them know that we will have your funnierial information in our show notes.
Claire:Take care of yourself and your loved ones.
Claire:Don't forget to have a little laugh every now and then.
Host:The expertise spelled wrong podcast is free.
Host:And like the Amish, all are welcome.
Host:Be sure to sign up for our email announcements at Funnypodcast Co.
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